did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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