We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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