Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
