Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize