hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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