There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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