I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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