And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
