you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
