they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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