You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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