is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
