Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
