My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
is wine microwaveable?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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