Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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