Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
