I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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