Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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