Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
