well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
