today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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