I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
