I wish my penis had an off switch
there's paper in my vomit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
