Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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