just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
