Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
