TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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