Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
