lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
