she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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