4 words: hood of his car
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
