I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You took a bar mat shot.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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