I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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