dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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