Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
