my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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