Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
