I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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