you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
