I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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