I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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