I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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