1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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