Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
