He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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