I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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