Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
