i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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