Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
