Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
