Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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