Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
