Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
