I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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