totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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