The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
