I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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