I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
