He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
