Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
