Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
