Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
